We do not know each other personally, but I am more affected than I should be by the relationship problems of others. I got an email this week from you, a woman I don’t know, sharing with me that you recently found out your husband has been unfaithful. As soon as I read it, I wished I hadn’t. You are clearly in pain over this betrayal. It’s awful. Though I have no idea who you are, my stomach was in knots and my head began to throb with pain. It was supposed to be a family day, but my mind was too full with thoughts and questions and frustrations to engage with my husband and kids. I was elsewhere. Tony, my husband, kept trying to bring me back. He’d reach for my hand or tell me he loved me or ask me what I was thinking. He knows from experience that news like this wrecks me. It was out of this kind of wreckage that we began staymarried in the first place. I needed an outlet for the way I was aching for those around me. I wanted to be part of a solution, if that was even possible. In the moments I was able to climb out of the trappings of my own thoughts, I would lock eyes with Tony and say, “ Not us, right? You’re not cheating on me, are you?” “ Honey, I’m in love with you,” he said. “ I am not cheating on you. I will NOT cheat on you.” My poor husband. He knows when I am like this that our usual banter and sarcasm will not work. He knows he can’t get defensive. He just needs to say the words. I need to hear the words because, after reading your email, the confidence I usually have in our marriage is being shaken. It’s not fair to him, but he is not worried about what is fair. He takes the time to reassure me and not make me feel like I am being ridiculous – which I clearly am. Villains and Victims Something occurs to me whenever I read a message like the one you sent me. When someone has been unfaithful, it’s much too easy to identify them as the “villain,” and their.
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According to new research, the saying once a cheater, always a cheater holds true. University of Denver psychology graduate student Kayla Knopp studied 484 unmarried adults aged 18 to 35 to find out if people who stray in one relationship are more likely to do so in the next. Her findings were presented at the annual American Psychological Association convention in Washington D. C. Knopp and her fellow researchers asked participants questions such as, Have you had sexual relations with someone other than your partner since you began seriously dating? and Has your partner had sexual relations with someone other than you since you seriously began dating? Those who admitted to having sexual relations outside their relationship were three and a half times more likely to do so in their next relationship as well, Knopp explained to The Huffington Post in an email. This means that of those people who said they had sex with someone else in their first relationship, about 45 percent said they also had outside sexual contact with someone in their next relationship, Knopp said. The cheating pattern carries over into the lives of non-cheaters as well; participants who had unfaithful partners in their last relationship were three times more likely to be cheated on again. And people who suspected their partners of cheating were 10 times as likely to be suspicious in their next relationships. We can't say for sure what this means, Knopp tells The Huffington Post, But I think it indicates that how people are feeling about trust, fidelity, and commitment in their relationships is even more salient than what their partners are actually doing. The study does have it's limitations, however. As Knopp explained to The Huffington Post, she and her team specifically asked participants about sexual contact with someone other than their partner, which doesn't include non-sexual infidelity.
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